October 14, 1066 William the Conqueror wins the Battle of Hastings
…and the English language gets a whole lot Frencher
The two armies totaling about 15,000 thousand men squared off on a hillside in the town of Hastings on the site of the “grey apple tree.” The English, led by the contested Anglo-Saxon King Harold, were tired and battle weary. They’d fought two battles in recent days and had just marched south to meet the latest threat – the Normans led by William-soon-to-be-the-Conqueror. The English linked their shields and made their shield wall, tried and tested throughout many centuries of killing people they didn’t like. The Normans had three lines - archers, infantry, and then mounted knights.
At 9 a.m. everyone punched in and the battle started. What followed could not have been enjoyable for many of the participants. The Normans charged uphill, the English downhill. The war cries pierced the sky followed by the clash of armor and weapons followed by the shrieks of the wounded and dying. The English were so closely packed in that they weren’t afforded the simple pleasure of falling down to die. The bishops came in to help, not as the clergy of today might, but as the nuns I had in grade school might, by wielding clubs and smashing limbs and skulls and the dreams of children. The Normans took the upper hand and the book was closed on the English when Harold was shot in the eye. His body was eventually so mutilated that it was only recognizable to his mistress, Edith the swan necked, who was apparently able to locate some secret marks on his body with the assistance of her name sake.
The Battle of Hastings changed England and its trajectory so dramatically that it can’t be overstated. The Normans brought their own legal and bureaucratic system, shepherded in feudalism, introduced castles, and became the language of the royal court. The Normans replaced all English aristocracy and landowning elite over the following years. While the aristocracy spoke Norman French, the commoners still spoke Anglo-Saxon. These two eventually merged to become the English that most of us speak today (who knows about Minnesota).
Linguistic evidence of this upper class reordering is rampant throughout the English language. Less skilled trades such as baker and shoemaker are Anglo-Saxon in origin and more skilled trades such as painter and mason are French. The language of the court and government that we still use comes from Norman French. Words like justice, jury, felony, accuse, court, judge, govern, baron, Judge Judy and many others are of Norman origin. The English essentially maintained the lower and servant class, which might be clear from the different ways they refer to animals. From the English we get pig, sheep, and cow, and from the Normans we get their tasty cooked and be-sauced counterparts pork, mutton, and beef.
There are a number of aspects about the Battle of Hastings that makes it Hammered History. In the first place, it’s possible that the Normans brought cider to England. But this isn’t certain and may only be theorized because of the French proclivity towards making booze from apples (calvados). Additionally, years after the battle William the Conqueror would become William the Super Obese and evidently decide the best way to trim down was an all booze diet. He would give up food and stay in bed drinking red wine and waiting for someone to invent Netflix. Probably on an unrelated note, he would eventually have an accident on his horse to become William the Dead. As his corpse was lowered into the tomb it was found to be too large for the space, so his diet probably hadn’t worked. When they tried to force his body into the space it exploded, which on the downside spread a disgusting odor through the church, but on the bright side gave his funeral goers something to chat about at the post service buffet.
More to our Hammered History end, there’s a chance that the English lost the Battle of Hastings because they were too hungover. According to the account of William of Malmesbury, an English-Norman monk and scholar, the night before the battle “the courageous leaders mutually prepared for battle, each according to his national custom. The English … passed the night without sleep, in drinking and singing, and in the morning proceeded without delay against the enemy.” He goes on to describe the Norman approach to battle preparation, which was taking communion, praying, and wondering if they could get some Walkers Shortbread from Duty Free.
We have to take William’s account with a grain of salt. He was a venerable historical scholar, but he also seems like a bit of a stick in the mud prude. Extemporaneous of his Hastings account, he wrote a book called Miracle of the Virgin, which presumably outlines his fieldtrip to a hairshirt factory. In his Hastings account, he condemns the Anglo-Saxons’ “universal practice” of drinking heavily and having all night parties. He suggests that the English tendency to drink all their time away left their homes decrepit and their minds junkyards. He compliments the Normans on their frugal living and splendid mansions. He goes on to say that the English were hungover and/or drunk when they fought the battle and that “when they engaged William with rashness and precipitate fury than military skill, they doomed themselves and their country to slavery.”
Now, let’s imagine for a moment that William of Malmesbury’s account is accurate, then he has a really good point. And, again if so, then the battle or its aftermath must have been quite sobering for the English. First, about the only way to make being bashed to death with a mace more unpleasant is to add a hangover to it. Second, and perhaps more importantly to those not being bashed, didn’t the English know they should bring their A game to this one? Wasn’t there some inkling floating around the drunken and groggy shield wall that all of England and all of future English history rested on them doing well in this battle? Maybe, but by then it was too late.
The English would get back at the French, but they’d have to wait until October 25, 1415. In Agincourt it was the French who stayed up all night drinking the night before a battle betting on which English nobles they would take prisoner. The English, having learned lessons hard, lay so low and quiet that the French thought they had ridden away. Henry V had ordered their fires low and noise discipline, but whether it was to trick the French or so that he could edit his speech for Shakespeare and Kenneth Branagh is not known.
To celebrate this day and battle, drink whatever you want. But drink a lot of it. In a field. And in keeping with tradition, make sure you do it the night before an event whose success or failure will dictate the trajectory of your life. No pressure.